#2506F

Nine weeks ago, in 2447W I wrote about working on the important, currently relevant but unpopular and unfun topics. I said that:

“It’s not fun, (…) but it’s the thing that can make what I do more than a self centered hobby.”

Today I’m thinking about that again. That post feels a bit self important now, but some thoughts in there I still think about now.
The central tension defining my relationship with photography is the tension between working on what matters, out of a sense of duty and doing things that feel fun, regardless of importance. In 2447W I argued for the former: photography is a power that comes with responsibility. Today, I’m not so sure.

I think this tension is a somewhat modern problem. It comes from the fundamental irreconcilability of our culture’s multiple, conflicting messages to us.

On the one hand, we have the imperative to be useful, contributing members of society who do their best to improve it and the lives of people in it. Responsibility, duty are somewhat old fashioned values today, but they still linger and their essence still forms the basis of many parts of our value system.

On the other hand we are bombarded with neoliberal-capitalist-individualistic messaging. Be yourself, me-time, self love, self-actualization, have fun, be fun to be around, positive thinking, good vibes only, self-expression. All these and many more concepts and phrases that all say the same thing: your purpose in life should be to maximize your personal enjoyment. Even socially minded work is often framed in terms of it being “fulfilling” to the person doing it.

And here I am, sitting in the middle of this soup of ideas, imprinted with all of them in varying degrees, with a nice little add-on: I have ADHD so I find it very hard to do anything I don’t find enjoyment or excitement in. So besides 2447W I also have 2503W that kinda argues the opposite:

“I want to have fun, without thinking about where that image fits in a larger body of work or in a career.”

At the end of the day this is all just a lot of overthinking. I am easily influenced so whichever side I was last exposed to tends to have more sway over my thinking. When I talk to photojournalists and documentary photographers, I think I need to be an unsung hero of documenting history as it unfolds. If the next day I hang out with artists who use photography for personal expression, I come home thinking about playing around with the medium and how to journal my emotions through images.
I have trouble figuring out what I actually want, independent of wanting to fit in with either crowd.

Photography has been an important part of my life for decades. I took it up as a teenager, and have always felt it fulfilled me and gave me energy rather than took it. The best times were when I didn’t try to define myself or have a larger purpose in mind, I just photographed intuitively. So maybe that’s the answer, stop thinking so much, just shoot what I feel moved to shoot and ignore what I don’t feel like shooting. The Crossroads of Should and Must and all that. (Although I’m not super in love with the type of person that essay talks to or super sure about that framing. The core idea works for me though: I always know what to do, I feel it. Maybe time to follow that a bit more.)

Well, anyways.